Kik (More than a Friend, Less than a Lover)
Himito na Kyoto
About 10 years ago, a friend of mine, fishing for my opinion, said to me that our language was still inadequate when it came to words describing human behavior. She felt that our emotions and desires were particularly subtle, intricate and varied, but that because of the limited categories and terms related to human behavior, we were unaware of this or simply allowed ourselves to be constrained by existing definitions or concepts. I listened to her perplexed as she cited as an example the fact that while we have expressions to describe different relationships: “friends,” “girlfriends/ boyfriends,” “somebody we are seeing,” “somebody we love,” “husband,” and “lover,” we don’t have any words to describe someone who is more than just a friend but who we are not romantically involved with. She believed that such a feeling did exist, a deep feeling for someone of the same or opposite sex, which is greater than mere friendship, but not as intense as love. While we may not want to spend the rest of our life with that someone, he or she is someone very special.
Because of this linguistic shortcoming, whenever we have such a feeling for someone, we usually hurry to erase it (unaware that this kind of relationship does exist), and either dismiss it as mere friendship or romantic love only to find out when the relationship is on the verge of breaking up that it was neither.
My friend rather hastily concluded that our freedom was limited by the number of words in our language and closed the matter with a sad look on her face. “What a shame! I know there must be a feeling between friendship and romantic love. It’s just that we don’t have a name for it.”
I immediately recalled this discussion the first time I heard the word kik, silently exclaiming to myself “Hurray!” I have no idea if that friend of mine still remembers our conversation of ten years ago or not. All I want to say to her is, “Look. Didn’t you once lament the fact that our language was not adequate to reflect the complexity of human relationships? Well, you should know that teenagers, the smartest and most creative segment of society, have now coined the word kik to describe just such a relationship.”
What the invention of this new word does is open up new possibilities for believing in the reality of this kind of relationship. As a result, people today don’t just have friends, boyfriends/girlfriends or somebody they love, they also allow kik or secret lovers into their lives. What’s interesting is that they can have more than one kik, although it is unlikely they’ll have anywhere near as many kik as they do “friends.” After all, it’s no big deal to call someone we know (no matter how well) a “friend,” but calling someone a kik is a somewhat more serious matter. That’s why you shouldn’t be in such a rush to refer to somebody as “my kik.”
Since the word kik is relatively new to society, and since I don’t run in the same circles as the “new generation,” my knowledge about the kik phenomenon is sketchy at best. I’ve put it together piece by piece from watching and listening to people around me. What I’ve concluded is that it’s quite a flexible relationship, without any hard and fast rules about the obligations kiks have for each other or the kinds of wrongs that would cause the relationship to end. In other words, a kik relationship is a personal one, a matter of agreement between two people who remain blissfully free from social, legal and religious constraints. In fact, it’s highly unusual to hear of anyone being labeled a bad kik. Society hasn’t come up with any “universal” standards on what constitutes a good kik yet so it can’t impose them on its members. This is unlike what’s happened to the terms “friend” or “boyfriend” or “girlfriend,” where the rules are clearly spelled out. Of course, no other relationship is as bound by rules as the relationship between a husband and wife, given the fact that it is subject to law. That’s why a man who can’t fulfill his role as breadwinner is automatically considered a good-for-nothing husband.
However, the results of a recent survey of Chulalongkorn University students tell me that the kik phenomenon is becoming a formal institution. At least, the interviews and research methodology succeeded in distinguishing, categorizing, explaining, and defining the relationship. Simply put, the study marked the first attempt to systematize the relationship. This has resulted in a significant decline in its flexibility and elusiveness. For example, from the interviews, a kik is defined as someone who is aware of their status, knows their place, and is not entitled to make any demands. A kik is someone we care about more than we do a friend but not someone we are romantically involved with or have any intention of having a sexual relationship with” (Matichon Daily, 13 January 2004).
To put it in the most dramatic terms, the study was an exercise of power (of knowledge and research methodology) by university sociologists to interfere in the kik relationship. Who knows, the next such exercise of power might come from the state or from religion, resulting in the total institutionalization of kik relationships. If that happened, it would be such a shame because it would mean destroying the relationship’s elusive quality, which has so far enabled kiks to enjoy unlimited freedom. And the search for a new word would begin all over again.
I’m just letting my imagination run wild like some crazy person.
Some of my friends claim that the whole kik phenomenon is just an excuse for people who are cheating on their spouse or partner. It’s just a way to “pasteurize” or sanitize the word “lover,” which is undeniably harsh and points to inexcusably despicable behavior. While the word “lover” reeks of carnal desire, and implies impaired judgment, irresponsibility and a lack of self-control, the word “kik” smells of fragrant flowers in bloom and implies innocence and moral neutrality. In my view, the phenomenon is a real boon to women more than men.
For men, having a relationship with someone other than their sweetheart, girlfriend, or wife is hardly a matter of life and death. They are even spared the label of “adulterer.” In fact, if they do take a lover, they are said to have a “minor wife,” and whether or not they show the woman the consideration owed to her as a “wife,” society usually refers to her as such. On the other hand, when a married man indulges in occasional short-lived flings, we say he is just looking for a little fun, the kind of fun that men and women have been known to get up to. A man with a girlfriend or a wife can, without feeling guilty, carry on with as many women as he wants (so long as he doesn’t let his wife know, or continues to provide for his family, or does not accord another woman the same status as his wife). That’s why the kik phenomenon isn’t as necessary for men as it is for women.
However, we can’t deny that quite a few women feel trapped by the institution of monogamous marriage, and for some time now there have been women who have had a secret relationship with someone other than their husband, some with a guilty conscience, others without. Still more married women probably long for a lover but can’t overcome the fear of overwhelming remorse. If the kik phenomenon spreads beyond the teenage realm to the world of married people with children, it might open a door for women who are bored with a one-man relationship to avoid the label of “adulterer.” Admittedly, it is still not clear if the word “kik” necessarily implies a sexual relationship. It may simply refer to the romantic feelings that a woman no longer has for the man she has been married to for a decade or more.
At the end of the day, the kik phenomenon may be more than just an excuse for adultery. It may open up a new relationship frontier that helps to relax the stresses and strains of traditional family life. In any case, whatever a kik may be, the term is still elusive enough to allow people to experiment and define it in their own way. At the very least, I am glad that the once mysterious uncharted territory between friendship and romantic love has finally emerged as a place for trying out new kinds of relationships, whether its existence is real or not.
Himito na Kyoto is a pen name of Lakkana Punwichai, a Thai columnist who writes for magazines and weekly newspapers about food, sex, and politics. Her lastest book is a cookbook for people who live alone. This essay first appeared in Siamrath Weekly in 2004. It was translated from the Thai by Somjit Jirananthiporn.
Kyoto Review of Southeast Asia Issue 8/9 (March/October 2007)
©Center for Southeast Asian Studies, Kyoto University
Kyoto Review of Southeast Asia Issue 8/9 (March/October 2007)
